Mandatory training and Gossip

Today has been what is known in the field as a bit of a skive. "Clinical skills day" is mandatory training that takes us through all the obstetric emergencies and how to deal with them. If one takes nothing else from the day its that the emergency buzzer is a midwife's best friend in these times of need. The other thing to take away is that if you are a midwife passing by the room when the emergency buzzer goes off then always always always volunteer to do the note keeping. Its the least messy job of all and if your hands are tied up writing frantically no one can ask you to do anything else. You can give them a look that says "I'm really sorry, I would love to help, but look I'm writing the times down." No one will argue because that piece of hospital paper (often paper towel or the discarded wrapping from a pair of sterile gloves) will be what everyone uses after the event to write their own notes; contemporaneously of course!
Although, when you receive the letter telling you that its your turn again for "Clinical Skills Day" (the year comes around so quickly), you groan inside at the prospect there are advantages: 1) You get to sit on your arse all day 2) You are guaranteed tea and lunch breaks (a rarity on a busy delivery suite) 3) It's an excellent opportunity to catch up on all the gossip.
Today I learned the following: One of the midwives' husband was having an affair while she was pregnant with their child. She found out, chucked him out, asked him back but he carried on...well...carrying on and got his mistress pregnant. So, she threw him out on his ear, went to Slimming World, lost three stone and I have to say look absolutely bloody fabulous. I'll bet he rues the day she opened the doors to the world of red days and green days.
Now he has made it his mission to make her life miserable. As she puts it " He hates me far more than he cares about her [the mistress]" Aren't some men bastards? (darling boyf is of course not in this category).
I also learned that the Christmas off duty, which is invariably a cause for moaning Midwives for at least two months before and after Christmas, is due out on Friday. We'll have to see what i get. I did the late last year so they can get stuffed if they think........oh my god!....See how easy it is to get sucked in? I must think positive, I must send out positive energy to the cosmos for the Christmas off duty. I have already had a chat with the off duty angel and she's sorting things out for me. Thank you off duty angel! Gratitude, positive thoughts, inner peace etc. That's better!
I have also hopefully lined up some antenatal classes for teenagers. I spoke to the teenage pregnancy midwife who is as keen as mustard to get me cracking. Another few hours out of the clinical area. Darling boyf keeps telling me I can drop my hours if I want but I do like the full time wage at the end of the month so I've made it my number one priority to do as many things outside of the clinical area as I can. This includes: teaching on aforementioned clinical skills days, antenatal classes, basic life support instructing and now this. Basically anything that involves the least amount of effort and the most number of hours. Not that I don't love looking after women I do, I really do but doing it full time can be extremely emotionally draining as I'm sure you can imagine. This is for the benefit of the women as well as me.
I'm particularly looking forward to the teenage antenatal classes. I have this image of a room full of Catherine Tate's with chewing gum, Ugg boots, skinny jeans and belly piercings, avoiding eye contact and grunting at me and asking me if I think they're bothered. I often wonder how they manage to get pregnant in the first place with such superior communication and interpersonal skills. I'll keep you posted!