Sadness in the cottage

In August of this year I had an ectopic pregnancy. This occurs when the fertilized egg implants somewhere other than the uterus, usually as it was in my case the implantation occurs in the uterine tube. As I was unaware that I was pregnant at the time it came as a shock when I was overcome by extreme abdominal pain.
Darling Boyf (DB) took me to our local A & E and I was then transferred to the gynae ward. I was taken to theatre the next day following a night of excruciating pain, vomiting and despair. I was found to have lost two litres of blood in my abdomen and required removal of the tube and a blood transfusion.
As you can imagine it took some time to get myself back to normal following this event.
DB and I have been trying for a family since last January. The ectopic set us back a little but we decided to get back on the horse a few weeks after the ectopic. I am now pregnant again. However, the news isn't good. It appears that I am having another ectopic. As blissfully ignorant we were of the fact that I was even pregnant last time, this time we knew almost immediately. We got excited, we changed the tea bags to decaffeinated and planned when we were going to make our announcement. Christmas day. I am totally devastated and extremely angry that this is happening. They are monitoring blood levels and they seem to be staying the same. Not good. They should be doubling. To top it all off I had dealings with a smart arse of a junior doctor the other day who took it upon herself to withhold my results until she could bother herself to ring me. She never did. She kept me waiting tormented all day. Finally I phoned the ward and spoke to a human being. The ward sister. She informed of the bad news regarding my results.
The pain is nowhere near as bad as last time but I was further on last time. This is the same pain that I had for a couple of weeks before my last ectopic. This is how I know. I am scared that I will have to endure the same as last time. I am frightened that this time I wont be strong enough. I am petrified that I will lose a tube or worse my life. I want to close my eyes and wake up again when its all over and I am no longer pregnant. Start again afresh in January. Pretend this event didn't happen. Pretend that I have the same chance as everyone else of having the baby that we both want so much. Pretend that life isn't cruel but that the universe really does love me and gives me that which I so desperately desire.
I am most angry because I know that there will be women who will find out that they are pregnant while I am going through all this and wont even want a child. Maybe go on to terminate the pregnancy. Or women who are cruel and neglectful of the children they have already. Life is cruel. My life in particular seems to be especially so. A drunken, violent father, my brother and best friend commits suicide. A bastard man who I fall in love with when I am 17 gives me chlamydia. Now my tubes are blocked and I am suffering even more pain than the bastard made me suffer 15 years ago.
Universe I am angry. It is someone else's turn now for heartache. I have had my share. There are people in the world who hurt children, men who beat their wives, women who neglect their children., doctors who treat their patients with anything less than dignity and respect. I do none of these things. I am soft and gentle and caring and giving. I definitely do not deserve this. Stop this please, leave me alone to be happy as you seem to do so many others.
DB is in Houston but flying back home and should arrive tomorrow. I am totally devastated. I don't know what to do with myself. Why can't I have a baby? Merry Christmas